Bargaining with myself.


Until several days ago, I was holding steady at 190 pounds for four weeks. I know it wasn’t a plateau because of what I’ve been eating. I’ve been wearing a comfortable size 16 pants and size 14/16 or L sweaters and blouses (not XL or 1X). And working out makes me feel energetic, fit and firm.

I’ve been hearing these comments from people, which are actually greatly appreciated, but also give me a false sense of reality:

  • “There she is, the incredibly shrinking woman!”
  • “We have a new nickname for you! Skinny Bitch!” (This is a very, very friendly nickname from the girls at work, but “skinny” is definitely not apropos)
  • “You’re so tiny!” (Thanks, but sorry, “tiny” is not the proper adjective for a 5’1”, 190-pound woman)
  •  “Where did you disappear to?”
  • “You’re being so good.”
  • “You look great!”
  • “There’s no way you still have 58 pounds to lose. You’ll look gaunt!”

It’s such a mental battle. If I look and feel this good, and comments from others validates this, why do I need to keep going?

This is a crazy thought! I am nowhere near where I need to be.

And I’ve bargained with myself, thinking, as long as I’m maintaining, I’m doing okay. And this is true. I’ve been able to eat a variety of stuff completely off program without gaining. As long as I was “good” most of the time and working out at least a few times a week, I was able to maintain.

On the one hand, it’s good to learn how my body responds to certain amounts of food and exercise.

On the other hand, it’s like I’m acting like a little kid. Seeing how much I can get away with, without getting caught.  When I’ve weighed in this past month and discovered no change in my weight, I gave a huge sigh of relief. I deserved to gain.

At my last weigh in, I finally dropped 2 pounds. I’m now at 188 pounds.

The weird sick thought in my head? Cool. I earned 2 pounds. I have 2 pounds to play with. How easily I forget that my body is still in serious debt. There is no savings account here. I’m still 48-58 pounds away from my goal. (I’m waffling lately, trying to decide between a goal weight of 130 and 140 pounds.)

By way of example… On Thursday, I ate on program through lunch. Then that afternoon? I had a Starbucks tall, nonfat, extra hot, with whip Mocha with 3 Petite Vanilla Bean Scones. Later, I had 2 Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Peppermint Joe Joe’s at work. Deadly freakin’ good. When I got home, I had a bunch of New York Style garlic bagel crisps and lots of jack cheese (I didn’t measure or keep track) with a glass of white zinfandel. Then a salad with Romaine lettuce, carrots, cucumber, avocado, grated cheese, and olive oil and vinegar.

What is going on in my head? I just wanted to stuff my face. That was a relatively full on binge, spread out over about eight hours. It hadn’t been a bad day. There was nothing wrong. No emotional angst.  Just this driving urge to fill, fill, fill. This was definitely not a day of healthy, intentional, off-program moderation.

My sister called that evening while I was preparing dinner. She asked how the diet was going. I said I was holding steady and maintaining. Not perfect. Kinda off track today. I think she could hear something in my voice, because she said quietly,

“Jen, don’t stop. Please keep going. You’re really inspiring me, and you can’t quit now. That food you’re tempted to eat won’t go away; you don’t have to eat it right now. It’ll still be there later.”

Her timing for saying this to me couldn’t have been more perfect.

My husband and I made it to the gym that night, although the food I’d eaten made working out very uncomfortable. My digestive system wasn’t happy with me.  It was still a satisfying workout and I slept great. I was pleasantly sore the next day, and I did not repeat my choices from the day before.

Here’s me bargaining with myself…

I’m not in a hurry.  If I lose weight slowly, I’m more likely to maintain the loss. It’s a lifetime change, not a flash-in-the-pan diet.

I’m going to continue to work on maintenance or minor weight loss for the rest of the month.  I have three holiday-related lunches at work this coming week. I’ll be conscientious the rest of the time and keep getting my butt to the gym.

My body is getting used to eating more food without gaining. Lindora calls it the Metabolic Adjustment Phase to reset my set point weight. All part of the plan.

Then after Christmas, once I rev up my efforts, I’ll bust past this set point until I get to my goal weight. Then I’ll need to train my body to achieve a new and final set point weight. Maintenance will be the life-long, ongoing goal.

Am I giving myself excuses to mess up over the next few weeks? Perhaps. Am I lying to myself? Maybe. But I want to be as positive about this as possible. Beating myself up, shaming myself, etc. will just make me want to quit.

Bottom line is, I will not give up. A year from now, I’ll be at my goal and in maintenance for several months.

Untethered… Good riddance forever, 200’s!

An encouraging weigh-in at Lindora this week! I have blown past the 200-pound milestone! Goodbye and good riddance, you pesky albatross around my neck. (Idiom Definition: An albatross around, or round, your neck is a problem resulting from something you did that stops you from being successful.)

Current weight: 197
Total pounds lost: 28
New goal weight (after doctor visit on Tuesday): 130
Pounds to go: 67
Contagious weight loss: 1 person has been inspired by my progress and joined Weight Watchers. Go YB!

Even with so much weight yet to lose, I feel free and untethered. I feel fantastic.

I can still live life and lose weight!
I haven’t weighed in for nine days, but I still lost about 5 pounds after a five-day break from the program, which included a three-day trip to Vegas for my 42nd birthday. I splurged, but I definitely modified my eating and didn’t go all out crazy like I normally would have. And no gym visits, but I ranged from 10,000-15,000 steps per day.

More reasons why Lindora is so great…
It’s been about a month since I completed my short, 4-week Lindora program. I’m still able to weigh in as part of their lifetime maintenance program. One Lindora consultant told me that once I’m 5 lbs past the last weight I was at on my last official day, the scale would lock me out of the computer. I’ve lost 10 lbs, and they’re still asking when I’ll be back.  I’ll keep going until they tell me I can’t.

Plus, I missed my usual Tuesday weigh-in and I received no less than 4 voicemails—“Care Calls”—from Lindora checking on me and making sure I’d come in to see them that week. That’s accountability right there—a critical component of weight loss success.

Did you know that during your birthday month, Lindora gives you 30% off all products and programs? I stocked up!  A word of warning: the discount only applies to ONE transaction. So make it count.

And I just discovered their Peppermint Cocoa Crunch bars. Amazing. Heavenly.

A few photos to share…

At work, instead of birthday cake, my colleague brought in yogurt, berries and granola to both celebrate and support my diet goals. She is so encouraging. Thanks JS! I am grateful!

This was my birthday dinner at the Harley Davidson Café in Las Vegas. My husband and I shared this platter. It was sooooo good… BBQ ribs, shredded pork, beef brisket, and chicken.

Reality check: This is me enjoying the harvest display in the Conservatory Garden at Bellagio, Las Vegas. I’m 25 pounds lighter here. Yey, me! But still plenty of junk in the trunk—and everywhere else.

This is me at a family party a week ago with my 19-year-old niece. I’m the one on the left, in case you couldn’t tell. : ) Anyway, she weighs 130 pounds. I asked if she’d pose next to me so I could have a vision of what 130 pounds looks like. It’s tiny!!! I know, I know. I’ll never again look like a 19 year old… I’m not that delusional. But it’s fun to envision being that fit again. THAT is within reach.